Diana

If I told you my story….

I love that song (MyStory) by Big Daddy Weave. It just speaks to my heart. The Lord has guided every step of my life - every piece of my story. As the words of the song say, ‘you would hear life..’,

If only I could tell it right.

Sometimes I feel like Moses when God commanded him to go and speak to Pharaoh on behalf of the Israelites, and Moses said “I can’t do it!” I mean, I try… I think about how to say something, try to remember the words I feel like I’m supposed to say - kind of rehearse it. Then when I go to speak - it doesn’t seem to make sense. The receiver doesn’t seem to understand and I’m not sure I was clear on my meanings and how I explained things.

It’s happened just like that many times, at least in my perception. Then the fear and self-doubt set in. The enemy whispers “You don’t have anything important to tell. What have you been through that could help someone? There is no ‘event’ that anyone else can relate to. You can’t help anyone. You are flawed. No one wants your help. Hide your ‘crazy’. You have secrets you shouldn’t tell.” It goes on.

I guess that is why God gave me my word: Open. All the things I hide - my imperfections - because being loveable and good gets you more love and approval, right?! This is something I have always struggled with. The self-doubt, feeling of unworthiness, and fear. Lotsa fear. The enemy uses the things we love most to twist our minds. Members of my family became the scapegoats that the enemy used.

I constantly compared myself to my big sister, trying to be as good as her or better. If I tried to be like her and failed, I felt I wasn’t good enough. Again the enemy whispered: I didn’t have her natural talent or ability. Reality was twisted in my mind.

Then came our parents divorce, and mom did the leaving. Next Dad’s second marriage and his focus was shifted and negative reinforcement was added to the mix. Both of these situations created feelings of abandonment. I was determined that my own marriage would be different! However, years of prayers, hard work, and trying to no avail. The results were more self doubts, worthlessness and fear of who I was, who I am. Our marriage eventually ended. Another failure.

But – since then and continuing on, I am learning who I am in God.

I made a decision. When I would wake up in the morning and do the brushing and washing, I would look in the mirror and recite every promise from God’s word concerning me, or positive truth I could think of. I had post-its and notes of inspiration and verses that friends - and my Sister - had given me:

● You are who God says you are.

● HE loves you and so do I! (looking myself in the eyes - cried all the time)

● I am a daughter of The Most High.

● I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

● He orders my steps.

● He chose me. On the cross he died for even me.

● He knows the plans he has for me.

I am still a work in progress. Overcoming fear, self-doubt, feeling of low worth and anxiousness is a process. (I also have fears that I have passed these issues on to my child.) I cover him in prayer continually. God is gracious, good, and faithful. I have a wonderful Hubby who loves me unconditionally. But that love was even hard to accept at first.

So many prayers on my behalf and love shown to me got me through. The Lord got me through. He was always there, and He is not finished. All of my imperfections- My self-loathing; Beating myself up when I make mistakes; When I disobey; When I’m mean; Have a bad attitude; When I don’t give my time, talents or money; When I don't follow the Holy Spirit’s prompting; When I am selfish, lazy, stubborn…and more – HE is patient and loving and full of grace, and is helping me accept this truth in my soul; no matter what other people think-

I am who He says I am - LOVED.

SO… I’m trying to be OPEN - to dropping my rocks, allowing Him to reveal himself to me and be open to sharing my story. Warts and all.

Diana Dixon