Sarah
What does it mean to be a true disciple of Christ? I remember sitting down and coming face to face with that question one day. The part of me that was very high minded about my thoughts on theology and doctrine started to form an intellectualized answer, even if only in my mind. Had I spoken it to those who didn’t know better, it would have sounded well thought out and authoritative. After all, I had certainly been presenting myself with an air of authority on such matters for quite some time. Yet I knew when I put it in simple terms, I wasn’t a true disciple and had not been for quite some time.
When people think of prodigals, typically they think of those who have once been in church and have had relationship with God, but have now wandered away. And that is certainly one kind of prodigal. Yet as my lived experience tells me, that is not the only way for one of His sheep to get lost.
I started attending church when I was 3 and seemingly never looked back. Jesus was a constant friend and companion to me in the years of my tumultuous childhood before I even knew Him as savior. I accepted Him at a young age and by my tween years I had received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I loved God wholeheartedly and was committed to serving Him all of my days. And then something happened. Not one thing to be sure, but little by little I bought into the compromises of the enemy until one day, I could no longer fully discern the truth that I once knew. So my mind and soul started running far from Him. The problem was my body did not follow.
In 2 Timothy 3, Paul starts the chapter by telling his young mentee that a new era was coming and was already being established in which all types of bad behavior would present itself in people. He ends his rather lengthy list in verse 5 with this warning: “They may pretend to have a respect for God, but in reality they want nothing to do with God’s power. Stay away from people like these!” If there is ever an indictment in the Bible that fully described me for about 20 years, it is this. I had long abandoned my first love. But I didn’t abandon the church or ministry. Instead I became excellent at playing church. I knew the truth, proclaimed to live in the fullness of the truth. I had high roles in different ministries both in and outside of the church. There were people who would seek me out to ask my opinion on all types of matters because they thought I knew so much. People would praise me for what they assumed to be my deep relationship with God. Yet it was all a show.
The biggest problem came when I started believing myself. Long ago I had already stopped my passionate pursuit of Jesus because I would rather live by and trust in my own authority than His. Oh I loved being in church and working for the largest protestant denomination in America. I loved talking about God. My head knowledge was seemingly strong (if not often skewed). The problem is I no longer had a relationship with Him. I gave myself over to sin in private while lauding myself as an expert in public. I was both a pharisee and a hypocrite. Then one day my world started falling apart around me and it became really clear to me quickly I could not save myself. Yet thankfully I still knew the one who could. And He was right where He had always been, just waiting on me to come home.
I am the lost sheep Jesus went out looking for. In all this time, He never stoped pursuing me or drawing me back to Him. He just had to wait on my willingness to return. Yet when I had squandered my inheritance and was still a long way off, head down in shame and defeat, trying to remember how to get home, He came running out to meet me. While this story may seem surprising to some, I believe it is a much more common occurrence than many of us might think. It’s not hard to become so focused on the things of God we lose sight of Him ourselves. Yet there is never anyone too lost, been gone too long, has done or seen too much to come home. He is ready to embrace you the second you take the first step, which is to surrender. I’m living proof.
Sarah Dickerson
